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Garbage Men
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(Based on 4 ratings)
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License:
By Jim Bennett
Created 1 year, 5 months ago
Edited 2 weeks, 13 minutes ago
Revision: 1580
Views: 164
Comments: 27
Views: 164
Comments: 27
Comments
The 1st 18 is a good start here. I like your character interaction, and I like your setup - 3 garbage men with serious financial problems looming. Looking forward to the next step - the twist that sends them scrambling in an entirely different direction.
haven't seen a movie focused on this line of work before, so, it has a great originality to it. Keep it up!
Yes, the thigh line is amazingly funny. lol.
I love the kid being a carrot, how cool is that.
I think the job as a bin man is a worthy one. Over here, they do great jobs, and are pretty much un appreciated, I am wondering how this will play out now they have lost their company.
Keep writing you have me interested here Jim.
Dawn
Dawn
Page 24 - Nice first act. Nice character setup, nice development to the moment when things in Cliff's life will drastically change.
Looking forward to the second act.
Thank you again. I'm worried that 24 pages is too short for a first act. Gotta think of more meat to throw on these bones!
I also like that you are showing the perspective of how garbage men might feel or think during the day- it isn't exactly the most glorious job but it's getting food on the table. I like your action lines so far, too.
I do like the way this is going, and i know it will work out.
Dawn
Okay, here it goes - I think the council meeting runs long and the humor I remember from the first act isn't a strong presence here. I even think you could gloss over the council members and their politics and get right to the garbage employees and their sob stories.
I also think that the story isn't progressing very far up to page 49. It seems as though the characters are all stuck without their jobs and nobody - including MC Cliff - is really doing anything about it. I think he needs to make a decided effort that he is going to fight this unemployment, and my hope is that he does it in a very unconventional way.
At page 49 you have councilman Bob showing up on Cliff's porch begging for his help as garbage piles up in the streets. Why does Bob specifically go to Cliff?
I like the running gag with the Yankees reference every time the lockout is mentioned.
Those are my initial thoughts.
Keep Writing!
DJ
Now I'll write down random things.
Hector is a doormat really yes? nobody gives him respect, I was a little surprised then that he called Trisha over on page 9, (bring your sweet ass over here). Just thought Cliff, who is like the leader would've shouted that out to her, and seeing as he has already called her doll and such, but it's not really a flaw in the script just a thought.
Now I like when Derek talks to the garbage men and John keeps interrupting him. I do have a thought if you don't mind me putting it towards you.
When Derek says cutting jobs in sanitation. The garbage men could stay quiet, then John shouts "that's us!" and then the mob erupts.
Side note here, Tom is right, trying to sell cars in Ireland anyway is gone very bad nowadays :)
" Jack Daniels for breakfast" Probably going to be the most memorable quote on zhura, for me personally :)
Oh I like Hector talking to Marsha, you know like a girl, with palmolive hands and orange juice store brand, I really hope a fminine side comes out in Hector's personality, maybe get this fella dancing or singing.
Just the scenes at page 31-32 really are the perfect examples of how good you are at natural dialogue, very good stuff.
Kenny is quiet the speaker, "this place gonna smell like shit" ha ha!
Ok I'm done with what you've read so far. Great read man, keep going!
Do you have an idea of what Bob will propose to Cliff on how to solve the problem?
Or are ya still stuck on where to go with the story?
Kevin - I'm not sure yet how to turn this around. The problem is, most ordinary people just go and get another job. I have to come up with something to make it more "Hollywood".
Thank you both for your comments. I'll read over the parts you've mentioned and make changes as I see fit!
What if you have them do the petitioning on the garbage truck?
Also, I think you might want to reconsider the angle where the Mayor is being bribed for a street renovation project. Garbage is big business and municipalities have turned their public sanitation services over to private firms like Waste Management pretty much everywhere. So its realistic that the mayor would take a bribe from a private waste firm outside of the city limits that doesn't need the city's sanitation workers.
Maybe there is a big class divide in the city and the rich folk will happily pay the new firm to pick up their trash, while the poor folk are expected to cart it over to Simi? That class divide could come out at the council meeting.
Bottom line though is that you want your heroes to prevail over their adversaries doing what they do best - "disposing of trash", first "disposing the trash on the streets", and finally "disposing of the trash" in public office.
Thank you!
Right the battery going down on the laptop and I'm too lazy to walk up the hall, up the stairs for the charger, so I'm stopped on page 65, thing bthat stands out most is the scenes including the V.O's talking about how to begin Cliff's road to being major are SUPERBLY written. There is not one other way they can be seen other than the way I suspect you see yourself when you thought of them. And as far as you maybe ditching this for the private firm idea, I would'nt say you definately should keep this, but so far I'm liking this running for major thing, its funny so far to keep it interesting and lively.
Anyway be back later to finish
page 80
Ok page 78 Logan is speaking but there's no (V.O) beside Cliffs name when he is on the phone to him, it was a bit confusing.I like the character of Mayor Jenkins and his cronies, but I'd like to see more from him, I think you could draw him out to be even more of a cheating politician.
Another nice, witty scene with Cliff hopping off the truck to talk to the people.
Vote for me. Cliff Sanderson. On election day. This Tuesday. Oh, and I don't even know any homeless people. Thank you.
Ha ha I love that add on sentence there.
Ok finished, well it's better than your "Don't stop believing" script, and basically the points I made about that are evidant in this, funny, GREAT dialogue, and unlike my critique of that script, this did have more of a finish. But one thing I'd say is, I'm not sure whether it finished up right. It sorta seemed hurried. I get that they get into office, and Bob's V.O is fine, but maybe I was looking for something in between the debate and Cliff actually being major. And its also how I feel about Kenny and Trisha, I think you could add even one or two more little scenes with them, just to make that bit with them holding hands, more of a happy ending, you know?
I'm not sure what I gave Don't stop believing, but I'll give this a 4 star, but I think this is better anyway. Plus its perfect script in these times when the economy is really going downhill. In Ireland, people are getting very disgruntled with the gov't
In regards to the (V.O.) on page 78. It's an intercut scene. I'm not sure if I have it formatted correctly, but the production company who has it now hasn't mentioned anything about it. We'll see how things go though!
I'm glad you enjoyed it! I'm working on another idea now. I hope to start writing in the next few weeks!
And congrats and more importantly all the best with the production company taking a look at it.
D